


Your Future Has a History

by the_rck



Series: House of Sulfur and Mercury [5]
Category: Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Captivity, Demonic Possession, F/M, M/M, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 01:35:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9359837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: Luke meets someone from his past and faces a real choice.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Adrienne Rich's poem, "Shooting Script 10."
> 
> This is yet a third timeline, probably the worst one for Luke.
> 
> An annotated timeline for this series can be found [here](http://somethingdarker.dreamwidth.org/36076.html)

Things with Merlin had been enough better for long enough that his arrival no longer quite terrified me. I was still careful, really fucking careful, because ‘better’ was entirely at his whim and really, really wasn’t the same thing as ‘good.’ He’d meant it when he said nothing was going to stop him fucking me, and hurting me-- less but still hurting me-- got him more of whatever the hell he was looking for.

But I hadn’t screamed my throat raw or needed emergency medical treatment-- or any medical treatment-- since Martin left, and Merlin pretty much always gave me something for pain if I hurt after he was done playing. We spent a lot of time out of doors, too, and Merlin had me sleep with him in his room more than a few times.

On this occasion, it had been at least a week since I’d seen Merlin. Normally, that would have panicked me, but he’d sent me notes every day, and Ghostwheel had explained that Merlin had guests, two ladies who Martin had asked him to protect. Ghostwheel said that one of the ladies was carrying Martin’s child. 

I half expected Merlin to show up and beat me in order to deal with his feelings about that. He didn’t. Instead, he had Ghostwheel take me outside twice for about three hours each time. I went swimming once and hiking once.

I knew better than to expect that to continue for long, but I was more willing to let myself enjoy it than I would have been before. The odds were good that nothing would get worse if I took pleasure in my excursions.

“Merlin’s bringing one of the ladies to see you. Not the pregnant one.” Ghostwheel made the announcement without preamble.

I went completely still. I licked my lips. I couldn’t think why Merlin would bother telling me in advance. “Is there--?” I choked a bit on the words. “Is there something he wants me to do?” Kneel? Strip? Bring another chair into the bedroom? Wait somewhere other than the bedroom? I looked around. Maybe Merlin wanted me to clean my rooms somehow? Or-- I swallowed hard-- to clean myself?

“He didn’t say.” Ghostwheel hesitated. “He said to tell you that he doesn’t think this will be something bad, that the lady says she knows you. Merlin says that he’s almost certain that she won’t try to hurt you and that, if she tries, you can do what you want in response. Or ask me to help. Well, he didn’t say that last, but he told me I could help if it came up.”

Ghostwheel must have asked because I didn’t think Merlin would have thought to make the suggestion on his own. I smiled because it was comforting to know that Ghostwheel cared that much.

I wanted to try to figure out who this mystery woman might be, but that would require looking at a lot of things that I made a point of not remembering.

“I don’t think you’ll recognize her. She said she looked different when you knew her. She… borrows bodies.”

That really didn’t sound at all familiar. I’d have expected to remember something like that, but I didn’t, not at all. Then again, there were a lot of things I didn’t remember at all. I worked hard at it.

“I think she’s nice.” Ghostwheel didn’t sound entirely certain. After a moment, he went on more firmly, “Merlin wouldn’t let her see you if he thought she’d hurt you.”

Or if he thought she’d try to help me escape. I swallowed hard and looked at the floor. “When?” Getting the word out was hard.

“When would be convenient?” He sounded for all the world as if he really thought I might have a prior engagement.

I managed a choked laugh. “I’m clean. I ate not too long ago. I… don’t have better clothes.” I looked around. “I don’t think I can make the place look…” I shrugged. If Merlin cared about her knowing what he did to me, he wouldn’t bring her here.

“She can’t help you.” There was a gentleness in Ghostwheel’s voice that surprised me. “She might want to, but she can’t.”

I turned my back on him as if that might actually keep him from seeing my face. “I didn’t think she could. I know-- There’s no one who both could and would. I’m a little surprised there’s anyone who might even want to.” I rubbed my hands over my face and told myself it wasn’t wet. “Give me-- Would half an hour be okay?” That would be long enough to get myself under control without being so long that I’d lose it again.

“Half an hour,” Ghostwheel agreed. He didn’t say anything else.

I went into the bathroom and washed my face. I wished desperately that Merlin let me have alcohol when I wanted it. But we both knew that, if he did, I’d spend all of my time anesthetized. Things weren’t enough better for me to want anything else.

Merlin introduced the lady as Nayda. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it, so I thought I must not have known her well.

She was shorter than Merlin or I but only by a few inches. Her hair was long and dark, and she wore it loose. So far as I could tell, she was unarmed, but her clothing-- a layered dress in red and yellow that fell to mid-calf-- could have hidden many things. She was pretty, not spectacularly or memorably so, and looked young, perhaps in her twenties and perhaps ageless.

Merlin cupped my cheek in one hand. “You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.” He leaned in and kissed me. “If you want to, that’s fine, but--” He shrugged. “Up to you.”

I was pretty sure the touch and the kiss were assertions of ownership, and I wondered why he thought he needed to do that. Well, I knew. It was for Nayda rather than for me. I met his eyes and nodded.

Merlin glanced at Nayda. “What she tells you is up to her.”

So he was disclaiming responsibility entirely. It was bullshit, of course. If I upset Nayda without her having done anything that Merlin thought merited it-- Well, I wasn’t sure what he’d do, and Merlin really ought to have known that I wouldn’t risk it.

Nayda frowned minutely then covered it with a smile. “It’s been a long time, Luke.” Her voice wasn’t familiar, but the cadences of her speech were.

And the fact that she called me ‘Luke’ was a huge clue. I was so busy staring at her, trying to place her, that I almost didn’t notice Merlin leaving. Only almost because where Merlin was and what he wanted always had some portion of my attention.

“I thought you might remember Nayda,” she said, “but I suppose you only met her once or twice.” She shrugged. Her eyes were fixed on my face, but she made no move to draw closer to me. “I… I can’t go back to who I was when we… knew each other.” She raised a hand but kept it close to her body.

Something about how she turned her head, about how she stood, suggested a possibility. “Gail?” My voice broke a little on the name. I had dreamed about Gail. I had let myself dream about Gail because she was one of my few untarnished memories.

“I was the Gail you knew,” she told me. “I just wasn’t actually Gail.”

I blinked. Ghostwheel had told me she could switch bodies, but I suspected that that was one of the things Merlin hadn’t wanted me to know unless Nayda/Gail told me. “How--?”

She didn’t answer for a moment. Instead, she fidgeted in a way I was sure I recognized.

I didn’t say anything either. I was less afraid of her than I had been, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear her story.

“I--” She inhaled and held it for a moment. “The two of you confused me. You both had Pattern, and neither of you would tell me-- I’m bound by geas to protect Merlin, son of Dara and Corwin, but I couldn’t tell which of you that was.”

I didn’t let my disbelief show in my face. If she hadn’t known, she hadn’t wanted to know. He’d called himself ‘Merle Corey.’ So maybe she really had loved me, and not being sure was an excuse not to kill me. “I’m not who I was.” I thought that was fair warning. “I don’t know what Merlin told you.” I turned my back so I wouldn’t have to see her expression.

“He told me four years and a lot of pain.” She sounded calmer than I’d expected. “He also said that I’d loved you, too, and had a claim. If you want. Only if you want.”

I half expected her hand on my shoulder, but I don’t think she moved from where she’d been standing. “And-- What if you want?” I’m not sure I kept bitterness out of that. At least I now knew why Merlin and Ghostwheel were so certain she couldn’t help me. It was pretty likely that, like Martin, if she thought Merlin was letting me go, she’d kill me as an unacceptable threat. She’d have no choice.

“I’m not Merlin. The ways you hurt me were… incidental more than anything.” She didn’t sound entirely as if she thought they were.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s not worth much, but--” If I didn’t look, I could pretend she really was Gail. My shoulders wanted to find their way up to my ears. “Merlin told me I could--” I choked a little. “I probably couldn’t actually. He wants me to be able to, but I probably couldn’t.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling her that. It stripped away the thin protection of her thinking I might fight.

I supposed there was still Ghostwheel.

“I’m not-- I could hurt you, certainly, but I don’t want to. It’s not something I need.”

The way that Merlin needed it. I looked at the floor. “What do you want? You must want something, or you wouldn’t be here.”

“Luke, please look at me.”

I hesitated, trying to make myself believe that I had a choice. Maybe I did, but she wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable or terrible. Merlin might not be pleased if I didn’t obey. I still remembered the maze.

I turned, but I kept my eyes on the floor. I could see her feet. She still hadn’t moved closer.

“I can’t make Merlin do or not do anything, Luke. I just thought… Is there something I can do that will help?” She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

I hesitated. What I wanted was a weakness, one that I was pretty sure Merlin didn’t know I had. I sighed and sagged a little as I made the decision. “Would you-- could you-- hold me? Just that.” I made myself look at her stranger’s face. “Please.” It wouldn’t feel the same, but it had been long enough that I probably wouldn’t notice.

She looked around the room. “Is there somewhere we can sit together?”

I heard her unspoken ‘not the bed’ which told me that she had a pretty good idea of what Merlin did to me. I shrugged. “Only the floor, really.” Merlin would probably give me a couch if I asked for one. I just never had because it would only be one more place for him to fuck me. I cleared my throat. “There isn’t anything in here that doesn’t have... associations.” 

Merlin had told her that it had been four years. That seemed too short a span to be possible. I rubbed the side of my face. “It all blurs, so I don’t think it matters. Just… Please.” I couldn’t even say the words. There were so many things I was afraid she might do, that I didn’t want her to do.

Her expression mirrored the sorrow I’d seen on Merlin’s face so many times in the last few months.

“I’m sorry,” I told her.

“I’m sorry, too.” She moved closer and touched my arm very lightly. “If I’d managed to rescue Merlin, you probably wouldn’t be here.”

I blinked. Her words didn’t make sense.

She shrugged. “I got one bracer off him before you and your mother caught us.”

“Oh.” I didn’t remember that. I licked my lips. 

“Your mother knew what I was. She bound me to the stones of her keep, so that I couldn’t tell Dara what was going on.” She studied my face, and I realized that she was afraid that I would reject her.

As if I could afford to.

“Merlin was very glad to hear that your mother didn’t kill the woman whose body I’d taken.” She looked away. “Not that she wouldn’t have if I’d resisted, but resisting wouldn’t have let me escape, so… I hadn’t even been in her for very long, a few days maybe. I’d had a lot of trouble finding Merlin at that point.”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t remember what my mother looked like.” That had nothing to do with what she had said, but I wasn’t prepared to look at what she was, at what she could do.

She tugged me over to the bed, and we sat down. She wrapped her arms around me.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against her shoulder. She smelled like Gail. I was surprised both by that and by the fact that I remembered what Gail had smelled like. I was glad. It made it easier to pretend that we were back on Earth, back in the apartment we’d shared. I relaxed a little.

Neither of us said anything for a while. I don’t think there was anything to say. The situation was fucked up, and neither of us had a way out.

Eventually, she murmured, “If you want to forget, I can probably do that. If you want to die… He won’t like it, but I never loved him, and it won’t harm him.”

I don’t know if she thought Ghostwheel wouldn’t hear or if she thought he wouldn’t care. I also don’t know how she convinced herself that my death wouldn’t hurt Merlin. Even I knew that it would. “Sometimes, I want that,” I responded quietly. “Most of the time… I can’t want that.” I was pretty sure that she’d understand that can’t wasn’t the same as the desire really being gone.

She stroked my hair. “I understand.” Maybe she even did.

After a few minutes of silence, I said, “The forgetting-- Would it be everything? Would it be forever?” I wasn’t sure what Merlin would do if I wasn’t the person he loved any more, but the idea of forgetting-- truly forgetting instead of forcing myself not to think about-- the parts of my past that hurt appealed strongly. Forgetting the maze, forgetting Merlin’s brutality in the earlier part of my captivity, forgetting that I had ever walked Shadow freely, forgetting that my parents were dead, forgetting… Yes, I wanted that.

She inhaled deeply. “If you want.” Her arms tightened minutely. “Everything and forever is easier and faster.”

“I think Merlin would be angrier about forgetting than about me dying.” I was a little surprised that Ghostwheel hadn’t intervened, that he hadn’t summoned Merlin. Did Ghostwheel not understand that that was a deeply tempting form of suicide?

“Merlin can’t harm me in this body without upsetting my sister. Upsetting my sister might affect Martin’s baby, and Merlin loves Martin.”

I thought that a thinner protection than she seemed to. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. I really didn’t, and the strength of that surprised me. I sighed. “What is your name? You’re not Nayda, and you’re not Gail. Please.”

She tensed noticeably then relaxed. “I can’t.” There was regret in the words. “I’m a demon. With my name, you could strip Merlin of my protection.”

As if I would know how. “Ah.” I didn’t bother saying it because it was the lie I’d have told if I did actually know how. At least it wasn’t that she didn’t want to.

“Just call me Gail. I was her for a long time.”

I nodded without lifting my head. I knew the safety her arms promised was a lie, but it felt real. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt safe. When I started crying, it was a gentler thing than I was used to and more because I was exhausted than because I was afraid or despairing or… well, any of the reasons I usually cried for Merlin.

In the end, I slept in her arms. I don’t know if she slept at all because, when I woke, she was studying my face. She smiled at me then frowned when I flinched. She sighed. “I should have thought. I don’t look like her at all.”

I wasn’t sure that her looking like Gail would matter, not right on waking up, not when the actual problem was that she didn’t look at all like Merlin. But I was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear that. I just shook my head and pressed my face into her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m fine.” She stroked my hair. “I wish I could do more. Merlin will let me visit more than this once. He said he would.”

“He always liked you.” I wasn’t at all sure she’d understand the full freight of that. If Merlin cared about her opinion, he might be kinder to me. I hadn’t thought about that before. “That matters.” She’d have more influence if she didn’t deliberately cultivate it. Merlin might see that as an attack. I considered warning her, but Ghostwheel might tell Merlin if I did.

She didn’t say anything for a moment. Then she said, “Ghostwheel told me a little while ago that Merlin suggested you and I should go for a picnic.”

“I would like that.” That was true enough. I had no idea what Gail and I would find to talk about, but having her stay longer could only be a good thing for me. A picnic would give us something to do.

I chose a meadow for our excursion. Merlin didn't care for the place, so it didn't have the freight of memories that some of the other parks did.

Nayda selected the food. I was surprised at how much she remembered about my preferences in that direction and by how closely she was able to approximate my favorites. She also managed to keep the conversation going by starting an argument about literary theory involving a Brechtian interpretation of Broadway musicals.

I had forgotten that I had cared about such things. Merlin didn't, so it wasn't at all the sort of thing he and I discussed. I'm not sure he ever went to a play unless Julia dragged him along. Did they have theater in the Courts?

I put that question aside. I might be able to ask Gail later. Ghostwheel might also tell me. I wanted to know more about the Courts, but I wasn't fool enough to ask Merlin. I had a suspicion that there were landmines there. Martin could set them off. I wasn't going to.

Gail was very careful not to touch me without warning or without permission. I think she knew that I wouldn't say anything even if I didn't want it.

I didn't want the afternoon to end, but eventually it did. Ghostwheel announced that Nayda’s sister was expecting her for tea.

Gail went entirely still. She raised a hand and almost touched my face. “We can't let her guess you exist. I'm sorry. I don't know what she would do.”

“Does she know about you?”

She shook her head. “She… has issues with her sister. I might… There's no advantage to this body now that Merlin knows I exist. So I might look different again next time.”

I shrugged. I couldn't see how that would make a difference to me.

**********

Merlin visited the next day, about two hours after Gian came to shave me. He took one of the chairs in the bedroom and had me kneel, still fully clothed, beside him. He stroked my hair and back for a while.

I leaned against his leg and tried not to think at all.

“I don't want Gail to see you bruised,” he said after about fifteen minutes. “It would hurt her.”

Because she couldn't stop him. She'd want to, but she couldn't. That would hurt more.

I wondered if that meant he'd just be careful about timing or if he'd use illusions to conceal the damage. Either seemed possible.

“Right now, she and Ghostwheel are evaluating other hosts. They're busy.”

I didn't move.

He sighed and kept stroking my head. “I’m not going to hurt her. I’m not going to release her, either. I’m not sure how. I could probably figure it out, but if I did… Well, she’d try to rescue you. I’m not sure if she’d want revenge, but I can’t discount it.”

I allowed myself the barest breath of a sigh and pressed my head a little harder against his thigh. I heard what he didn’t say-- that, if Gail rescued me, whether she wanted revenge or not, she’d get me to the point where I did.

“It would hurt like hell to lose you.”

He wasn’t talking about me escaping any more. He was talking about me dying. I closed my eyes and focused on keeping my breathing even. I supposed I should be glad that he was talking rather than proving to us both how thoroughly he owned me. 

That would probably come later.

He didn’t say anything further for what seemed like a long time. Eventually, he stood. “Come to the bed.” He didn’t look back at me as he crossed the room.

I allowed myself no hesitation. I stood and started stripping off my clothing as I followed him.

He pulled back the blankets and said, “I wasn’t going to, but I want to.”

I thought about telling him that he didn’t have to explain anything to me, but he already knew that. I climbed onto the bed, knelt, and watched as he removed his own clothes.

He brushed his thumb across my lips as he sat down next to me. He put one arm around me and used the other hand to start playing with my chest hair and nipples. He didn’t tend to do that when he was preparing to hurt me, so I relaxed a little.

He was very gentle, and he worked at making me feel good, too. For once, he didn’t seem to expect me to respond more than passively. That frightened me a little. Usually, he wanted my enthusiastic participation, but he said, “No, Luke. Not this time,” when I tried to touch him in the ways that normally pleased him.

I wondered why he hadn’t bound my hands if he wanted them still. It wouldn’t have made anything worse for me, and I had thought he knew that. But maybe he didn’t. I don’t think he ever realized that the very thought of sex repelled me and had for years. As far as I had been able to tell, he hadn’t reacted to repeated rape in that way, so I suppose it never occurred to him that I would be different.

It went on for a very long time. Shape shifting gave Merlin stamina for sex that went beyond even what the blood of Amber granted. I was less eager for it to stop than I would have been if it had hurt, but I started to fear that he would never stop.

He did eventually, but he then took me into the shower with him and kept touching me, kept kissing me.

I didn’t complain. I didn’t resist. I had learned better a long time before.

He fucked me one last time in the shower then took me back to bed once we were both clean. Once there, he held me.

I don’t think either of us slept. It was too early in the day for me, however exhausted I might be. I’m not sure why Merlin didn’t sleep. It certainly wasn’t fear that I might harm him. So we both lay there, me in his arms.

He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me. “I had hoped--” He shook his head. He brushed fingers across my cheek. “I love you. We both know that.” His expression became both sad and bitter. “We both also know that you can’t love me. Not given… everything.”

He didn’t seem to expect a response, so I didn’t say anything or move. I couldn’t figure out what he was getting at.

“I talked to Gail about what she offered you.”

I flinched then forced myself to relax. If he’d been angry at me, he’d have hurt me already.

“Do you want that? To forget?”

“Yes.” The word was the barest breath of a whisper. I did. I wasn’t sure I should admit it, but I did.

He closed his eyes for a moment then nodded. “Everything or just some things? She says that, if she has a lot of time and your cooperation, there’s considerable flexibility in terms of what she can do.”

He didn’t sound entirely certain of that. I raised my eyebrows in query.

“She’s never tried it on someone of the Blood. Powerful minds can stop her doing it.” He looked away. “If they want to.”

I wanted to curl up and not have to look at what he was offering. I didn’t think he’d like that, though, so I just lay very still.

“She’s also not sure what walking the Pattern might do.”

That had given Corwin his memories back. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.

“So whatever you remember-- or don’t-- you’ll have to stay in my Ways. That means, well…” He actually sounded embarrassed.

That meant he was probably still going to fuck me. “Have I ever tried to stop you?” More of my exhaustion came out in my words than I had intended.

He was silent for a moment then said, “That doesn’t mean you want it.”

“Maybe… If I don’t remember, maybe you can make me think I do.” I swallowed hard. I really hoped he’d go for it.

He didn’t answer. Instead, he asked, “Are there memories you want to keep?”

There were. If I had the choice, there were memories I wanted. Merlin was even in some of them. I licked my lips. “Please. Yes. But…” I’d give them all up for whatever escape forgetting might give me.

“Tell me.”

That was very definitely an order. “My childhood, early childhood.” I made myself meet his eyes. “My parents loved me. I want to remember that. I don’t need their names or even their faces, but please let me keep that.”

He touched the side of my face very gently. “I will talk to Gail about that. I suspect, from what she said, that it will take a lot of time.” He shrugged. “It’s not as if we don’t have that.”

I gave myself a few seconds to try to figure out the best approach. Whatever I remembered or forgot, I was going to have to deal with Merlin. I inhaled slowly, held my breath for about three seconds, then exhaled. “I don’t know if it’s possible, but… Could she make me think I really am Luke Reynard, some random guy from Earth who just happened to become your friend in college? He couldn’t have traveled in Shadow, couldn’t leave here without your help, might have-- If I’d really been him and you’d asked me to leave Earth with you, I probably would have.” 

And I might have been persuaded into sex. I wasn’t going to suggest that, though. I might even have been persuaded into playing BDSM games with Merlin. I’d played them with other people, switching roles depending on who I was with. I definitely wasn’t going to say that.

But Gail knew. Would she tell Merlin?

Merlin studied my face. “Is that what you want?”

I nodded. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond if I pointed out that it would be infinitely better than the life I lived now. I also wasn’t sure how he could not know how I felt.

“All right.” Merlin kissed me on the forehead. When he pulled back, he studied my face and sighed. “You’re not stupid. Eventually, you’ll realize that something’s wrong.”

I shuddered. He was right, but it might buy me years or even decades of-- better. I closed my eyes. “Even then… If I don’t remember, anything I figure out will be just stories.”

“And everything we’ve told you will be lies.”

I couldn’t look at him. There wasn’t a way around that problem any more than there was a true escape for me. I choked a little on the words but managed to get them out. “I’d rather have a pleasant lie.” I hoped he’d believe me.

“Ah.” He pulled me closer. “I suppose the truth is pretty damned ugly.” His arms tightened around me.

I just wanted not to be afraid any more. I didn’t dare say that, but Merlin may have known anyway.

He held me for a while then told me to lie facedown on the bed. I thought he was going to fuck me again, but he summoned oil and massaged the tension out of my back and shoulders. He didn’t go below my waist. I’m sure I had knots in my ass and legs, but Merlin didn’t touch me lower down when he was trying not to be sexual.

Neither of us said anything for a while. I’m not sure how long. I did my best not to let myself think, but Merlin must have been thinking the whole time. Eventually, he said, “Write yourself a message, explain things. There’ll be a point when you know I’m lying, but you might believe yourself.” He hesitated for a few seconds. “I won’t read it. You can give it to Ghostwheel, and he can give it to you if he thinks you need to see it.”

As if Ghostwheel wouldn’t let Merlin read anything I gave him, but I was grateful for the pretense of privacy.

************

When I tell Ghostwheel that this is done, Merlin and Gail will come to take my memories. I don’t know who I’ll be afterwards. I don’t know if it will work or for how long, but I have chosen this. Merlin will, I hope, be kinder to the man he thought I was. He thinks so, and he loves me. I know that much. It’s a thoroughly fucked up love. I know that, too.

Merlin has promised to write something to explain the parts I don’t remember. I don’t know if he’s started yet or what he’s going to say. Maybe he won’t actually write anything at all. That might even be better. I’m not sure I want to know.

This is as far as Merlin’s mercy extends. It’s more than I expected.


End file.
